Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off

I generally eschew the use of internet/texting shorthand: OMG!....IMHO...WTF?...etc. It doesn't bother me to read it, but I have trouble using it myself because it makes me feel like a sixteen year old girl trying to be snappy. But if anything has ever called for a ROTFLMAO, it is this:

Obama Campaign Workers Angry Over Unpaid Wages

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let me get this straight: they got paid...they just didn't get as much as they were told to expect.

I'd advise them to get used to it, but I'm skeptical that they will be motivated to do any sort of work to collect a paycheck after this.

Life Is Still Good

I just got back from voting. I walked home from our polling station as it is a beautiful fall morning. Sunny and nearly 50 degrees. As I crossed a ravine, the iPod kicked in with the theme to Masterpiece Theater. The sun filtered through the pines and the birch on each side of the road. It was one of those "I wish I could freeze this moment" moments; perhaps to pull it out in a couple of months when the world is cold and bleak. (Whether from the temperature or the political climate...it matters not.)

As one who always tries to find a silver lining in bad situations, I'm still working on seeing the bright side of a McCain loss. I have read some suggestions that four years of Obama will ensure a Republican landslide in 2012. If you think in terms of prison sentences, four years doesn't seem so long, but still...

If you're a liberal, however, I have a silver lining for you should McCain win: Canada still has large swaths of open land and a nationalized health care system.

You're welcome.

Fall Humor

Someone Loves His Job

I started laughing aloud in the deoderant aisle at Target yesterday. I was looking at the selection of gels and solids for men because, as posted earlier, my fourth-grader has determined he has surpassed the sweat tolerance threshold and needs it.

I was looking at Old Spice deoderant and saw that available scents include:

Swagger
After Hours
Showtime

I'd love to know how sales are going on those items. Honestly, if you saw Old Spice Swagger in a friend's bathroom, would you ever quit teasing him? Never. You can almost hear the low-budget porn music in the background as you lift the cap. chick a bow bow

If sales dwindle, perhaps they can come out with a woman's line. Might I suggest naming the scent Strut...or maybe Baby's Mama?

Curious

I wonder if those same houses that police raided right before the RNC...the ones with the buckets of urine...STILL have buckets of urine? (Start with Mitch if you don't know about this.)

After all, those raids were the epitome of freedom-trampling, police state maneuvers, no? Defenders of the urine-hoarders claim that all the items police recovered were things normally found in any home. So an unannounced visit to the grounds should find five gallon pails of pee sporadically stored in various rooms, right? Don't all the best hosts have a white, plastic chamber pot in the guest room?

And I think the guys at Nihilist need to work up a list: Top 11 Reasons Why EVERYONE Should Save Their Urine. Here...I'll start them out:

11. You can kill the rest of the grass that the dog missed and have a uniformly brown lawn.

Oh here

I found something to post. I can't remember who sent it to me, but I like it.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Well, I'm just itching to write something. The boys are all gone. The house is quiet. The dog smells less horrid than yesterday. (He got his tail handed to him by a skunk.) And I can't think of a thing to say.

Live-blogging my life right now would put an entire classroom of ADHD kids to sleep.

Took a sip of rootbeer.
Stared at keyboard.
Stared at monitor.
*
*
*
Repeated steps one through three.

Who was it that emailed me to ask why I haven't been blogging lately? Wes? Naomi? Sorry now, eh?

I Just Can't Quit You

They Came At Me In Hordes

The gray hairs.

Tuesday evening The Senator, who just enetered fourth grade, told me, "Mom, I need deoderant."

You do, huh?

"Yep. I get all sweaty at school and I'm going to smell bad."

Did someone tell you that you smelled bad?

"No, but I will. Michael wears it, I think."

Ah. Of course. Peer Pressure Puberty. I told him he could ask his father to show him some manly deoderant and how to apply it.

Wednesday morning: I sent him to the bathroom to brush his teeth. I followed a minute later to put away some clean towels and saw him putting the cap back on the Right Guard. I fled. And then I cried.

And then I remembered that he's now just that much closer to moving out into his own apartment and I will never have to look at his toothpaste spit in the sink again and I felt much better.

The Ultimate Peep Show

Happy Easter from my friend Dave

What To Do, What To Do

One of my least favorite parenting decisions: Is my child too sick to go to school?

The Senator was complaining of an upset stomach this morning. Since I grew up in a household where nothing short of a compound fracture or projectile vomiting gave you a Stay Home pass, I tend to view just about all health complaints with a big dose of skepticism. I attacked from all angles:

Are you feverish?

Do you feel like you're going to throw up?

Is there something at school you might be avoiding?

Does it hurt worse than the time you ran into the metal bar on the playground with your face?

Since the answers to all of the above were answered, grudgingly, in the negative...I decided he could chew up a couple of Tums and catch the bus. "Buck up, Senator. If you start to feel worse, the school nurse has my cell phone number."

Now I'm suffering, wondering if I made the right choice. I have been hovering around the phone, waiting for the Call of Shame from the nurse's office. The afternoon bus just can't get here soon enough.

Another Moment For The "Great Parenting" Archives

The Governor had his Valentine's Day...pardon...his Friendship Party at school last Thursday. Four mothers volunteered to come up with different games or crafts to entertain the little buggers for about an hour. Since we were also invited to bring a snack (because the candy attached to the Valentine's...pardon...Friendship cards might not raise their glucose levels high enough), I decided to combine craft with snack. I bought heart-shaped cookies, frosting, and assorted sprinkles. Assemble and eat.

The kids were divided up into smaller groups, and the teacher had them rotate between each station.

When The Governor made it to my table, he applied the frosting and decorations with gusto. He ate the cookie, drank the little bottle of water, got up out of his seat, staggered backwards, and declared, "I feel like I'm drunk."

When I was finally able to shut my mouth, I had to make the situation worse by hissing, "What did you just say?"

And, of course, he repeated himself even louder. "I FEEL like I'm DRUNK!"

I looked up to see the teacher (a substitute, fortunately. God doesn't completely hate me) staring at us with a grin on his face. "I have no idea what to say," I lamely muttered.

The Gov grinned and staggered on to the next station: Pin the Wing on Cupid.

Since I have yet to receive a call from Child Protection Services, I can only assume the young, recently graduated from college substitute thought The Governor's comments more amusing than serious.

I did have a chat with The Governor on the ride home from school. He couldn't say where he picked up that little gem, but he did promise never to repeat it again. But only after I waxed on about the appeal of boarding schools.

Driving Lessons Start Tomorrow

Well, my sister has complained that she is tired of looking at Bambi threaded through the BMW engine, so I have a post for you. Big news. A new milestone has been reached here at The Outpost.

The Governor (age 5) swallowed a pill today. Whole.

Friday The VP took The Gov to the doctor to see how much of this "My throat is so sore it's gonna die!" theatrics was genuine. A lot, as it turns out. He was diagnosed with strep. I begged The VP to ask the doctor for pills instead of liquid antibiotics. Our last round with The Governor and medicine resulted in a twenty minute ordeal every dosing time as I would have to mix chocolate syrup with the medicine and feed it to him in smurf-sized spoonfuls. And the medicine didn't taste bad to begin with.

So this time, I was determined to try pills.

The first six doses, I ended up breaking up the pill and hiding the broken shards in pudding. But this morning, I was set on making him try a full pill swallow. He was reluctant at first, so we did a trial run with a mouthful of juice sans pill. Fill mouth, tilt head, pretend to drop the pill in and let it settle to the back of your throat, and then gulp.

I offered him a second trial run, but he declined and went for the real thing. And he got it on the first try. I was prepared for gagging, crying, and possibly having to fish the pill out of a pile of vomit and trying again. But The Gov came through for me.

No more hiding medicines in ice cream and pudding. No more listening to "how much more do I have left?" Five second medicine distribution. I wept.

And such a milestone, small though it may be, brings him one step closer to being an adult. An adult that does not reside under my roof and doesn't wake me at three in the morning with a 103 degree fever and can drive himself to the clinic.

Life is good.

How To Fit A Deer Into A BMW

Dammit, I Hate It When This Happens..

Well, here I was all set to ignore the old blog for another month (although I have been enjoying all the comments!) and I get an email from Matthew asking me what happened to Cathy in the Wright.

Apparently, Matthew, I'm going to starve it to death. But thank you for asking.

My sister was asking about my lack of posting, and I suggested to her that we put forth a joint effort. Now that she has finally rejoined the 21st century with an internet connection. She's a former MN state trooper and a mom...so she's got excellent stories to share. We shall see.

In the mean time, thank you all for stopping by to check. And Chris - the temperature today warmed up to -8 degrees when I took the kids to school this morning, so you and your over-worked furnace can [edited for PG content].

Cue The Banjo Music

My husband bought a shirt the other day. The shirt does not have buttons. It has...snaps.

You will never know how hard it was for me to write that.

Snaps. I can only imagine what wardrobe horrors await me in the near future. I'm sure it will probably include jumpsuits.

There is no way I can let him out of the house wearing that shirt. And he's so damn proud of it, too. To prevent everlasting shame from descending upon the family name, I need to act.

I foresee a horrible accident in which the Maytag singles out and shreds the snap shirt.

New Year's Resolution Shot To Hell In Less Than Two Days

Well. I was going to suprise you all. 2008! The Year of the Return of the Blog! Every day a post!

On the bright side...the Better Diet and More Exercise resolutions are feeling a lot less pressure to perform.

I hope you all had great holidays. We here at The Outpost capped our festivities with an ear infection, pink eye, and flu for everyone. The end result was Christmas Eve and Christmas Day spent hanging out in our pajamas, raiding the fridge for whatever we could find, and not talking to anyone.

One of the finest holidays on record. Next year, I may take the kids and go hang out in the lobby of our doctor's office and see if we can't have a repeat performance.

I guess I would have to say life is back to fairly normal now. The kids went back to school today. The dog is sleeping at my feet. I'm avoiding stuff I need to do. Right on par.

Oh. Wait. Here's a great story. Last night I let the boys each pick out their own individual-sized pizza for dinner. The Governor went with the fool-proof pepperoni. The Senator branched out and went with sausage and mushroom. Later in the evening, The Senator impressed us all with a lengthy and loud burst of gas. He turned his head back over his shoulder, took a deep sniff, and said, "Mmmmmmm....mushrooms."

There. Now we're back to normal.

Hope you all had a terrific Christmas. Oh...and Chris? It's 14 degrees outside right now with about a 30 mph wind. I hate you.